Drink, Drugs and Depression

I’m just going to keep the title plain and straight to the point.
It started pretty light, I moved away from home for university, met a load of new people, started smoking and then it escalated*.

I’d never really done anything more than underage drinking when I was younger, sure I’d tried a few cigarettes here and there when I was in school, had to keep up with the cool kids, but that soon fizzled out as it wasn’t something that interested me and I decided I’d rather spend my £3 a day dinner money on food rather than paying the extortionate 50p or £1 per cig that kids charged.
Following that, when I hit 16 and left school I entered into what ended up being an abusive relationship with my first boyfriend who I met through some friends. We all used to go out drinking – sometimes just on a nearby field with a bottle of vodka and some WKD, telling our parents we were staying at each others houses – and if I could do it all again, I wouldn’t. Thankfully that ended when I was 17, after 1 year and 2 months.
Then when I turned 18, I did what every 18-year-old did after finally hitting the legal drinking age, I went out with my friends, I experienced clubs and pubs and I went to house parties – proudly flashing my ID to show I was old enough to be there. It was there that I started smoking socially and only when drinking.

Fast Forward a year, I got into university, which meant that I was moving away from home, and I did so in 2012. I moved into a student accommodation, a small single room with an en suite bathroom – let’s face it, I was never going to share a bathroom with anyone. I bonded with my flatmates on the first night and we gradually grew our friendship group with others in the building and soon we were this huge group of people from all walks of life, all bonding and experiencing these new things together. There was drama, there were laughs and tears, there was love and hate… and soon drugs and more drugs – and one time we put a flashbang in a box of Cheerios.

When it began, I remember the night quite clearly, I’d went into one of my friends rooms where others were already gathered listening to music and just chatting. There was a joint being passed around and when it got to me I took it and the rest is history. I’m not sure why I remember the night so clearly, as I usually have a pretty terrible memory. From then I just smoked weed with my friends on a night after classes, we used to get together in someone’s room skin up, play games and watch TV – It doesn’t sound like much, but in the rooms on those nights we all bonded with each other.

I’m not sure what came next in my timeline, but I’m pretty sure it was a couple of legal highs. The one I distinctly remember was called ‘Dust Til Dawn’ it was a cocaine substitute, a fine white powder that you snorted. There was a small group of us that took it, it was totally different experience, it didn’t feel like much at the time, but it was. We were sat in the dark with a lava lamp on, playing two specific games on PS3, one was ‘Flower’ and the other ‘The Unfinished Swan.’ Everything was slow, visuals and colours were enhanced and we didn’t really say much, it was calming in a sense. No one is 100% sure how long we were in the room for, but overall myself and one of my friends didn’t sleep for 72 hours and didn’t eat for 36 hours. That was the only time we did it.

Then without much thought behind it we switched to real cocaine, it didn’t have to be a special occasion, just whenever we felt like it. It could be for a night out, or just a quiet night in. Not going to lie, I liked it (When I’d got together with my then boyfriend we once got 2g in, gathered a load of blankets and pillows in the living room and just had a night in). It was different for me, it wasn’t a drug I’d go out on, it didn’t have the energetic effect on my that it seemed to have on everyone else – although, I did once, go out with some, and do some lines in the toilets of a club with my best friend.

My favourite however had to be MDMA
Which was the only one I was cautious about before I took it, it was the only one I looked up online before taking it, this was primarily because I’d heard some horror stories when I was younger about it. The one I remember was during a drug safety talk at school, it was a video of a house party, they’d all taken it in pill form and a girl got so dehydrated from it she drank and drank and drank and drank water until she eventually drowned herself. In the end I decided to give it a go.
After taking it, it was simply a waiting game, it took about 30 minutes for it to take effect and when it did it was non stop movement, I was zooming around the house, I was talking really fast, interacting with everyone I came across, I was seeing lights brighter than before, I was feeling happy and energetic, I was blissful.
The comedown on the other hand wasn’t nice, it was a slow transition to sleepy and worn out – which is understandable considering all of the energy I probably used.

Another experience I had was acid (LCD). It was something that friend has acquired off the dark web, why not, I’d tried everything else. I’m not sure if it was legitimate acid or not, because it didn’t produce any of the same effects pop culture describes, it was weird. There were hallucinations but I can’t remember much more than that – I remember we’d all agreed prior to dropping, that we wouldn’t go outside… obviously I ended up outside, sitting on the step of the house I’d moved into with 5 of my friends, every car that approached no matter what size or what speed I saw blue and red flashing lights, it wasn’t until it’d actually passed me that I realised it wasn’t a police car. I remember seeing people in dark hallways, screaming and running, only to find that they were in the room I’d run to and not lingering in the hallway. I remember the comedown quite well, I was in my bed, I’d woken up after a couple of hours sleep, I remembered thinking ‘That’s it, it’s over’ then I looked to my Breaking Bad poster and it was moving – it wasn’t over. This happened a few times, and I thought it was never going to end, it was always going to be like that, but eventually the posters stopped moving and everything went back to normal.

When my then boyfriend and I broke up, I sunk into a pretty deep depression, and I turned to drugs to help me. I had a gram of coke left over and half a bottle of tequila – that was me for the following 48 hours, I did some shots, I did some lines and I smoked some weed. It eventually got to a point where my friends were seriously worried about me, they’d told me later down the line that it’d got so bad that they had to make sure someone was with me most of the time, just in case. It was awful to hear that, because in my eyes it had never gotten that bad, but it had.

That was the last time I’d done anything harder than smoke weed – which I also quit eventually and I am now, as of 2018, 1 year drug sober and I have never been happier. There are still times when I feel down and times when I just want to be by myself, but no matter what corner I turn or what dump I fall into my knight in shining armor is always there to rescue me and to him I say thank you.

(*I’m not condoning or promoting drug use, this is simply a review of my experiences.)



Let’s start off with the a little info. 

I started this blog a while back, but I kind of just let it go and never actually got around to posting anything, there were a few drafts but they never went anywhere – but they’re gone and I’m starting fresh.

I work in Social Media and just need to let everyone who reads my posts know that all opinions are my own and don’t reflect those of my employer.

My guest writers are their own selves, any of their opinions are there own, their privacy is their own, and is to be respected.

Chances are I’m not going to post the names of my of my friends, family, my boyfriend or the company that I work for – this is just to protect their privacy. If you happen to find out who I am then that’s fine, I’m not in hiding.

All photos used as featured images on posts are my own, unless stated otherwise.
Any gifs used at the bottom of posts are property of those who made them.

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A symphony of llamas would be a great thing to witness.