You – Netflix

“It would take a second or two for me to remember, hey… he murdered your boyfriend. “

May contain spoilers

★★★★★

When browsing Netflix I always pass things that I tell myself, I’ll watch it later, and this was one them. And I’ll tell you now, I wish I’d watched it sooner, even just sooner that day – so that I could have fit more episodes in before I went to bed.

It starts as you’d expect, boy meets girl, and if you watched the trailer you’d know – before episode one started – that it would take a turn for the dark… and it did, quickly with the first few words, “Oh, hello you”. It’s eye opening to see how quickly someone can find out everything about you from a few clicks on their phone, from a few looks on a few profiles. It makes you wonder why more people don’t take advantage of the privacy settings offered by social media sites.

From the very first episode you’re captivated in the mind of Joe Goldberg with his narrative looming over, justifying the things he’s doing. He’s always there, watching over you. The basement of Mooney’s revealed it’s own dark secrets over time, from Joe’s teenage years to Benji, to Claudia and finally to Beck, it’s a glimpse into the reasons he is the way his is. An eye opening look into the history inside the glass cage, and who has been held captive there before.

I found myself in a whirlwind of emotions as I watched the relationship between Joe and Beck unwind. I’d catch myself smiling at the sweet things he’d do for her, doting on her every move. It would take a second or two for me to remember, hey… he murdered your boyfriend, burned his body and kept his teeth, he stood outside of your window and made nice with himself while watching you do the same, he attacked your best friend and then he murdered your best friend. It played with the fine line between love and obsession – a line that it played with a lot in the society of knowing or needing to know your partners passwords, needing to know where they are at all times and needing to know who they’re talking to. I don’t understand it, I’ve never understood it – and to quote the show, “If we don’t have trust, we have nothing.”

Overall, I would highly recommend giving it a watch, if you’re anything like me you’ll find yourself in the same boat, after watching all 10 episodes within 24 hours, I find myself needing Season 2, needing to know what is to follow the reveal of Candice at the of the final episode, walking into Mooney’s being greeted by the same eerie line with Joe’s narrative…

“Oh, hello you.”

01/01/2019

“This year will be ‘our’ year.”

There’s always a lot of things up in the air around this time of year, whether you have a quiet gathering, go out and party all night… and even if you don’t celebrate at all. The lingering thought of New Year is always on peoples minds, it’s the time that we want to commit to change, the time that we convince ourselves that we will change and this year will be ‘our’ year.

It’s always the same ones for me usually: get fit and slim down – but year after year, I cave. I don’t know what it is, there’s just very limited willpower inside of me and for some reason it seems to run out at the start of January. BUT, I’ve started out good so far – I had a salad for lunch and I’ve invested in a slow cooker.

If you’ve had a look around my website you may have noticed the Instagram feed, that’s my photography account, I started it in 2017 and have just been steadily uploading photos. I also started a Facebook page to go with it and this year I want to start selling prints on my Etsy store.

This year I also want to get started on one thing I’ve always wanted to do, write a book. I dabbled with it in 2010/2011, I even entered a writing competition for amateur novelists but it never went further than that. I did continue writing and I ended up with a solid half a book written and edited, but the idea quickly became too unrealistic and bordered on being just a representation of one of my school girl crushes. But now, stemming off from that very idea (with a darker, more thought out twist), I’ve layered out the majority of a novel, with the main plot points outlined. All I can give you at the moment is the title: Obsessed.

So to summarise, I’ve given myself a few goals for this year:

  • Finish my driving lessons (I know I can do this one, I’m almost finished now).
  • Continue building my photography portfolio.
  • Set up my Etsy shop with more items.
  • Get on with writing my novel
  • Be comfortable with myself.

Bohemian Rhapsody

“Fearless lives forever.”

★★★★★

For those of you that have seen Bohemian Rhapsody on the big screen you’ll get it when I say it’s incredible and that it’s an honorable tribute to one of the world’s most recognisable and loved rock stars.

While it was a lot longer than I expected – clocking in at around 2hrs 30mins – it didn’t matter, because sitting there in the dark room staring up at the big screen I found myself not wanting it to end, I wanted it to keep going even though, as we all know, Mercury’s story doesn’t have the happy ending the silver screen usually promises us.

Even though the story was approved by the surviving members of Queen, the biopic has received some criticism for changing events just to add drama, and for some historical inaccuracies. But in my opinion, this doesn’t alter the feeling of being there, the feeling of watching it all begin, the feeling of goosebumps as we listen to the crowd at live aid interact with Rami Malek’s portrayal of Freddie.

I found the insights into Mercy’s home life and the beginning of his career enlightening, there were things I didn’t know about him. For instance, I didn’t know that he was born with four extra incisors and I didn’t know how experimental Queen were in the recording studio at the beginning. From eccentric outfits and hairstyles to that signature moustache we know so well. It was incredible to watch their careers unfold before my eyes, from their humble beginnings to playing in front of and to billions of people around the world at Live Aid.

I just can’t believe I waited so long before going to see it, and if you haven’t already I’d highly recommend it.

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(Featured and footer Image, credit to owner)

I’m not alone

For the longest time I thought I was the only one. The only one having weird, unexplainable things going on.

Ever since I was little, I’ve always woken up, or so I’m told, screaming and muttering on about a hanging rope or a hand. But I never recall any of it until I’m told what happened. I used to share a room with my twin growing up, so when I was “awake”, so was she. These episodes scared my whole family. They never knew what to do. And neither did I. But how can you try to fix something you can’t even explain or remember? You can’t.

One episode stands out to me the most. I was staying the night at my grandmothers when it happened. I was upstairs sleeping in one of the many guest rooms. I woke up screaming bloody murder. It woke up my grandmother and she came in to check on me. Only, I wasn’t in the bedroom where I had started my episode. She looked in every room and couldn’t find me. She finally came down to the basement and found me standing in the middle of the dark room with my eyes wide open in terror and tears streaming down my face. I don’t remember any of this.

From age 14 to about 21 my episodes has stopped. I thought I out grew them. My sister and I decided to move in together with a close friend. That’s when it started again. One of the firsts nights in the new house, I woke everyone up with a blood curdling scream. My sister knew exactly what was going on. When she came into my room, I was staring at the ceiling l, pointing and saying “the rope! The rope! The rope!” Repeatedly. Again, I remember none of this. She took my blanket and covered my face with it so I didn’t have to see it anymore. It still happens from time to time.

Thinking I was the only one who had this problem made me feel crazy. But I met someone who goes through it. Now I don’t feel so alone.

I wish I could make it stop. I wish I could figure out why it started happening in the first place. But, this is just something I’ll have to live with until my brain decides to stop playing nasty games with me. At least I’m not alone.

Awake But Not Aware

I remember the first time it happened, it was like it was yesterday, since then… it’s been irregular and continuously terrifying. 

The first time it happened, I was away from home with my family in Gran Canaria. It was me, my younger brother and my mum, we’d just settled down for the night, my brother and I were in the twin bedroom and my mum on the sofa just 4 meters away. I’m not sure what time it was or what we did that day, but I do know that it was felt just as real as anything I’ve ever experienced my life awake. It was like I was asleep in my head, but my conscious was partially awake living in the real world, it was like purgatory. It was then that I saw it – to this day I’m not 100% what exactly it was but it looked like a spider. I’m sure you’re thinking a spider, that’s nothing but it was there and it was the size of the wall. It was there – in my head – this 3m x 4m spider. So I screamed… I screamed louder than I ever had before, which at some point had woken up my brother who instinctively started screaming along with me – he didn’t know what was going on, maybe he thought there was danger. I jumped out of bed and ran to the door where my mum was standing, (I mean it’s no surprise that two screaming teenagers had woken her). I said ‘I need to get out of here’ and I could hear the desperation in my own voice… the fear. As she stepped out of the way I moved quickly over to the sofa and sat down, looking around the room as my brain caught up with my conscious realising it hadn’t happened, there was nothing to be afraid of. Even with that realisation, I still slept on the sofa that night.
The next morning, I could barely remember what had happened, it started to come back to me when my family asked me about it, when they told me what had happened.

That was only the beginning.

To this day – 6 or so years later I don’t know what it is, I don’t know what triggers it, I don’t know how to stop it and I don’t know when it will happen again. I’m writing this today because it happened again, only last night – but I’ll get to that soon.

If I’m remembering correctly, the next time it happened it was early morning before college and my alarm was due to go off – I know this because as soon as it did I screamed and ran out of my room towards my mums bedroom. She was awake but hadn’t yet gotten up, I sat on her bed and as my brain caught up I asked ‘Why am I here’, I couldn’t remember getting there. In the moments that follow these… let’s call them episodes, I can’t remember it. It takes a few hours, or for someone to remind me before it all comes back. Now, I can’t forget it.

From here the timeline gets a bit messy, so I’ll just mention a few episodes that have stuck with me.
Screaming aside, I went through a phase of something that resembles sleepwalking – only I was awake, but not consciously there.

The only person who ever witnessed this was my twin brother, he used to stay up passed everyone else and watch TV in the living room until early hours of the morning. I’d go to bed, and suddenly I’d be downstairs, eyes open, sitting on the sofa opposite my brother. I’d stare blankly at the TV, feeling his presence but barely interacting with him. Then I’d go back upstairs and back to sleep – the times that this happened my brother told me about it the morning after. After it happened a few times, I’d become subconsciously aware that it happened, but not conscious enough to stop it. So one night I’d ended up downstairs watching TV again, then my brother looked at me, and I subconsciously said ‘I know I’m here you know…’ and went back upstairs.

I didn’t know I was there… I didn’t remember any of it.

When I moved away from home for university I moved into student accommodation. A few times I’d wake up thinking there were spiders on my bed, I’d jump up and run for the door, only then would I pull myself back to reality when trying to open door and then there was once that the weekly fire alarm test went off and I screamed.

Then fast forward a few year I met my current partner, and I’d failed to mention any of it, I just hadn’t happened for so long that I thought it was over, I thought I was free from whatever was holding me back.

So the story goes, we were visiting my family, and staying in my brothers room – he was in my mums room and she was downstairs on the sofa. We were asleep and somehow I caught a glimpse of the eagle painting my brother had put painted onto the majority of his bedroom wall and I lost it. I screamed and ran; waking up my brothers, my partner and my mum. I came back to reality when I was at the top of the stairs, my mum standing at the bottom looking up at me, my brothers and my partner standing in the doorways of the bedrooms. All eyes on me…

If my memory serves me right, there hasn’t been another big episode since that one… until last night.

It was a pretty standard night, we’d went food shopping and watched the latest episode of The Walking Dead, and while my partner went to bed I played a few games of Call Of Duty before heading to bed and watching two episodes of One Tree Hill on my iPad before going to sleep.
Then about 4 AM I came back to semi-consciousness already in the middle of an episode, kicking violently and screaming I felt trapped, stuck to the bed. As soon as I managed to get free I ran to the spare bedroom and just stood there, waiting for whatever was happening to stop. When I returned to the bedroom my partner was sitting up, waiting, and the duvet was all on the floor. I remember him saying ‘That hasn’t happened for a while’ – In the end I found out that it was him, keeping me down, restraining me in a sense, scared that I would end up at the top of the stairs – or at the bottom of them.

So as another episode passed totalling 6 years since the first one I still have no idea what triggers it, what it is, if it will ever stop and what caused it in the first place. So instead I live in fear, fear that one day it will happen again and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to stop it.

One More Light – Linkin Park

“An incredible and haunting album from one of the worlds most influential bands, and a lasting tribute to the legacy of the late Chester Bennington.”

★★★★★

At one point in their life i’m pretty sure most people have heard a Linkin Park song and it was more than likely ‘Numb’ or ‘What I’ve Done’ – both incredible songs. It’s safe to say that they were the voice of a generation and they were and are one of the most influential bands in their genre.

In May 2017 they released what would become their last album as a complete band, the albums is titled ‘One More Light’. I first listened to it in June 2017 and I loved almost every second of it – the only song I don’t like to much is ‘Good Goodbye (feat. Pusha T & Stormzy)’.

The sound overall is a lot different to their past music and it attracted some negative criticism upon first release and it seemed that some reviewers thought that the band had ‘sold out’, but I didn’t understand where the negativity came from, I still don’t… it’s an album I can put on shuffle and listen to all day, over and over again – for me, that kind of thing is rare.

Every song has its merits, and each song has something I love about it, whether its rhythm, the lyrics or Chester’s incredible voice sending me into a blissful haze, it’s one of my favourite albums and it contains one of my favourite songs of all time

The song I cannot fault is the title track for the album, One More Light.
A song that has become even more relevant and haunting since Chester Bennington’s death. The lyrics are touching and although the song was wrote about the death of friend of the band, they can so elegantly be reflective on the death of the bands frontman.

I get chills when listening to the lyrics, his voice was unique and it was passionate, it certainly was a loss for the music industry, but I believe this song and this album will carry his legacy on long after the rest of us have been forgotten.

“If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In a sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone’s time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
We’re quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do”

‘Who cares if one more light does out? Well, we do’

(Feature image credit to the photographer or owner)

Kat Von D – Lock It Foundation

The dispenser is faultless and the bottle design gorgeous. I unpacked it and tried it as soon as I got home.

★★★★★

Last week, I finally invested in some decent foundation – previously I’d used MUA Super Stay Matte foundation and before that I did a degree in Make up and Special Effects so I had a lot of MAC products left over, unfortunately the foundation ran out pretty quick and I just never invested in more.

In the past couple of months I’ve spent a lot of money on other Kat Von D (KVD) Beauty products and they’d all exceeded my expectations – the Brow Pomade and the Tattoo Liner are two of my favourites. So I figured it would be worth the £27 for the foundation.

I went into Debenhams, after a good 30 minutes trying different brands and shades on my face in Superdrug, I went straight to KVD and within 5 minutes the sales assistant came over, asked me if I needed anything, colour matched me and took me to the till.

I used a standard foundation brush to apply it and MAC 187 to blend and while the coverage was full it did make me look like a ghost at first – however as soon as I applied my eyebrows, eyeliner and highlighter it all came together, at first I thought she’d given me the wrong shade, but I was wrong.

It wasn’t at all heavy on my face and after setting it with KVD setting powder it stayed put all day, from 8am – 11pm (when I took it off). Even with the heat of summer and the unavoidable sweating it, lasted and accomplished things I could only dream of with my previous foundations.