I’m not alone

For the longest time I thought I was the only one. The only one having weird, unexplainable things going on.

Ever since I was little, I’ve always woken up, or so I’m told, screaming and muttering on about a hanging rope or a hand. But I never recall any of it until I’m told what happened. I used to share a room with my twin growing up, so when I was “awake”, so was she. These episodes scared my whole family. They never knew what to do. And neither did I. But how can you try to fix something you can’t even explain or remember? You can’t.

One episode stands out to me the most. I was staying the night at my grandmothers when it happened. I was upstairs sleeping in one of the many guest rooms. I woke up screaming bloody murder. It woke up my grandmother and she came in to check on me. Only, I wasn’t in the bedroom where I had started my episode. She looked in every room and couldn’t find me. She finally came down to the basement and found me standing in the middle of the dark room with my eyes wide open in terror and tears streaming down my face. I don’t remember any of this.

From age 14 to about 21 my episodes has stopped. I thought I out grew them. My sister and I decided to move in together with a close friend. That’s when it started again. One of the firsts nights in the new house, I woke everyone up with a blood curdling scream. My sister knew exactly what was going on. When she came into my room, I was staring at the ceiling l, pointing and saying “the rope! The rope! The rope!” Repeatedly. Again, I remember none of this. She took my blanket and covered my face with it so I didn’t have to see it anymore. It still happens from time to time.

Thinking I was the only one who had this problem made me feel crazy. But I met someone who goes through it. Now I don’t feel so alone.

I wish I could make it stop. I wish I could figure out why it started happening in the first place. But, this is just something I’ll have to live with until my brain decides to stop playing nasty games with me. At least I’m not alone.

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